Self-Compassion to Transform Your Life

I have a question for you. Did you do something recently that you wish you hadn’t done? Like, did you yell at your child or your partner for no good reason, or say something embarrassing to your boss or in a meeting, or maybe, I don’t know, you ate too much cake?

What did you do in those moments? Did you give yourself a hug and give yourself grace? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say probably not. In fact, I am going to guess that you doubled down on your self-deprecation.

This is what we do, but I wonder: Would you ever do this to a friend? Would you do this to your child?

It’s actually quite awful when you think of it, no?

And here’s the worst part. We are hard on ourselves, particularly in the moments when we could most use some TLC. When we make mistakes, when we come up short, when we experience our imperfections and limitations. And what do we do instead? We don’t offer ourselves comfort. We don’t cut ourselves any slack. We double down. We are even harder on ourselves, precisely when we need to be kind.

And so what happens then?

Well, we basically fuel the fire. The thing itself—the imperfection or limitation—likely feels bad enough, but when we beat ourselves up for something we feel we shouldn’t have done or could have done differently, we feel bad. Really bad. And that makes us want to soothe. Difficult feelings and emotions make us want to soothe; self-acceptance- do we do that?

We can soothe with temporary feel-good substances: food, alcohol, smoking, other drugs.

The antidote to this is self-compassion. And this practice is essential. Not only to our well-being. Not only because it feels better than being nasty to ourselves. Offering ourselves it is a gateway to actualizing what we are so eager to achieve.

And the science backs this up. When we meet ourselves from a place of self-acceptance and self-compassion, we are much more likely to engage with our lives, pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off when we make mistakes, persevere, and move forward.

Let’s start with a definition: What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is the practice of providing kindness and understanding to ourselves, particularly in the face of disappointment or failure, instead of judging and criticizing.

Self-compassion has three core components:

1. Mindfulness, Not Overidentification
2. Understanding Our Common Humanity
3. Offering Self-Kindness, Not Self-Criticism

Let’s break down each component.

1. Mindfulness, Not Overidentification: Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, experience losses, make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, and fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality we all share. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.
2. Understanding Our Common Humanity: When we suffer, we imagine that we are the only one. But you are not alone in this struggle. We all suffer. The very definition of being human is being imperfect. No one can always be what they want, act in the way that they want, have what they want, or get what they want. Being human means being imperfect; therefore, experiencing imperfection or failure is part of the human condition. Understanding our common humanity allows us to take our humanity in stride, with kindness, understanding, and compassion.
3. Offering Self-Kindness, Not Self-Criticism: Which is just that. This means responding to our mistakes, shortcomings, and difficult moments with the same patience, warmth, and understanding we would offer someone we care about.

Here is a writing practice that can help foster self-compassion.

1. Think about the imperfections that make you feel inadequate. Everyone has things they don’t like about themselves or that make them feel “not good enough.” And this results in difficult emotions. Notice and feel the emotions that come up, then write about them.

2. Now think about a person, a friend, a mentor, or a confidant whom you love unconditionally and who feels the same about you. Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this person. Or, if this feels hard and you cannot find that kindness in yourself, think about how you would respond to that person or friend.

Now write from the perspective of an unconditionally loving friend. How would you respond to these presumed inadequacies or shortcomings? Show understanding. Remind yourself, as you would a friend, that these feelings and insecurities are part of our shared humanity. Remind yourself, as you would a friend, that we don’t need to be perfect. No one is. Write all that comes to mind.

3. Now take some space and take it all in. Feel the tone of kindness and compassion. Feel its soothing power. Can you commit to this stance the next time you have an experience that requires your self-compassion?

Remember that self-compassion has been shown to have many benefits—from physical to mental and emotional health and well-being. And it is a practice that can be cultivated with time, patience, and, yes, practice.

Adrienne Youdim, MD, FACP, is a physician, author, and TEDx speaker specializing in medical weight loss, nutrition, and mind-body health. She is the author of Hungry for More: Stories and Science to Inspire Weight Loss from the Inside Out and host of the Health Bite podcast. Dr. Youdim practices in Beverly Hills, where she helps patients use evidence-based approaches to support their mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Adrienne Youdim MD (@dradrienneyoudim) • Instagram photos and videos